Deans Denial
by ewokemily
Summary: Dean is in denial about his love for Cas, and has flash back of his time in hell. CAUTION Rape scenes Dean/Cas Dean/Alastair Sam/Gabriel Balthazar/Lucifer I also have a version on AO3, More info over there on times of posting.
1. Chapter 1

Dean stormed out of the house and down the creaky wooden steps, his boots crunching through the gravel with a satisfying sound. He dug around in his pocket, yanking out the keys to his baby. He was seething. He couldn't believe-

"Dean!"

Dammit. He turned to face Cas, the Impala's door already open.

"What do you want, Cas?" he asked gruffly, ready to swing into the Impala, impatient to leave.

Cas trained those piercing blue eyes on him. "Wait. Don't go."

Dean scoffed and slammed the door, incredulous. "You expect me to wait after what you just said?!"

Cas looked hurt. "All I said was I liked you as more than a friend, Dean."

"I'm not gay!" Dean said in complete denial, a fiery look in his eyes.

"I never said you were." Cas replied so softly it was almost a whisper.

And with that there was a slam of the Impalas door, with the soft rattle of the heater turning on.

Carry On my Wayward son, There'll be peace when you are done, Lay your weary head to rest, Don't you cry no more.

Two Years earlier

Dean was tied to the cold, blood-damp rack again. He heard those dreaded footsteps that he could recognize at any time of day or night. The steady thu-thump, thu-thump.

Alastair touched the back of Dean's neck, making shivers run down his bare back, whispering into his ear. "Dean, my favorite beast, tell me how much you love me," he cooed.

"Alastair, p-please just go," Dean begged, arching away from the cold breath, the icy touch.

"Oh baby I ain't leavin you till you give me what I want,"Alastair hissed, making Dean cringe, a half-sob torn from his throat, remembering thirty years of torture that came before this with no end in sight.

"And what would that be?" Dean asked trying to be strong for his Moose.

"Honey you know exactly what I want." Alastair said cackling.

"No. No. No." Deans voice got progressively louder until he was screaming, his raw voice echoing around Hell.

Alastair thrusted his cold body against Deans warm one. He groaned loudly, his erection getting harder as he thrust into Dean. Dean started sobbing. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Him and Sam were supposed to be fighting Wendigos, and Women in White, and-. He was cut off by Alastair, grunting and thrusting harder and harder, until he came inside Dean.

Alastair stood up, patted Deans cheek, and said "Same time tomorrow," then left.

Walk out the door, just turn around now cuz you're not welcome anymore


	2. Chapter 2

Present day

Dean jolted awake in the back of the Impala, in a cold sweat and trembling.

"Cas?" he called out in the darkness. "I know you can hear me."

Cas appeared at his side. "What do you want, Dean?" he asked quietly, in an exasperated tone. "Nothing," Dean muttered. "Just wanted to make sure you had your ears on."

"You only call out like that when you either need to ask me something, or need me to do something," Cas said skeptically, staring at Dean with his sapphire eyes, making the much younger man squirm uncomfortably. "So I will ask again. What do you want, Dean?"

Dean sighed, swiping a hand over his face, hiding his eyes behind the heels of his palms. "I need to know," he groaned. "Why am I the one you fell for? Why a broken monster like me?"

"Because you became what you are for Sam, Lisa, and so many other people. You broke yourself for family, and I haven't seen a human do that in all my time as an angel." He touched Dean's shoulder gently, his hand fitting just so where he had burned him with his Grace, fit like they were made for each other.

Dean turned to Cas, his hand brushing up against Cas's chin, his thumb gently rubbing the stubble that grew there. Slowly, awkwardly he leaned in, their lips less than an inch away from touching. "I wanted you to know that I'm proud of you," Dean whispered, and to Cas, it felt a little like a prayer of praise, touching him far deeper than any other words could have. This was how Dean expressed his love. Cas sighed, relieved, his eyes filling with tears. He leaned forward, sliding the hand on Dean's shoulder up to his neck, pulling him into a kiss. Dean pulled away, his face shifting from looking like a deer caught in headlights to relaxation. He shoved Cas on to the seat putting his hands around Cas and kissing him passionately. Cas whimpered, grinding his hips, begging for something more than what he was being given. Dean pulled away, pressing the angel down on the seat, smirking. He shook his head in a silent no and went back to kissing Cas. He teased his tongue around Cas' mouth, reducing him to a squirming mess. Cas moaned, getting hard from the magical being over him.

"Dean, please," Cas whimpered. "I… I need-"

Dean smiled over him, reaching his hand down to Cas' bulging erection, rubbing gently. Cas jerked again, pressing his face into Dean's neck, hiding the flush that was spreading across his cheeks. He felt so human now, reduced to slowly bucking his hips, pressing closer to Dean, his hands fisted in the man's plaid overshirt. Dean chuckled, pushing him away, pinning him to the seat a second time.

"Stop that. I want to see you." Cas almost sobbed in frustration, but Dean stopped him with a soft kiss. "Do you trust me?"

Cas nodded. "Yes, Dean, but you don't understand. I need-"

"Shh…" Dean shushed him, letting his lips drift over the angel's, not kissing him, just letting them be. "Let me take care of you." Dean whispered, his hips rubbing up against his lovers, making Cas moan.

Cas drew his hands up quickly to Deans pants, unzipping them quickly, tiring of the human's game, the teasing touches that made him feel as though ants were crawling under his skin, maddening. Dean chuckled softly.

"Aren't you impatient," he whispered, making Cas shudder. "Calm down, angel. Let me take care of you." Cas whimpered softly, backing up so his upper back was braced against the door, watching Dean carefully. The hunter nudged his knees open, and Cas gasped, holding his breath in anticipation. Dean rucked his shirt up to his armpits, not bothering to actually take it off. He breathed warm air over Cas's abdomen, making him writhe underneath him, a harsh gasp escaping his throat.

"Dean," he whined needily, huffing impatiently, a harsh breath expelled through his nose.

Dean grinned up at him, starting to tease the pants down over his hips, making Cas pant softly. Dean smirked up at him, teasing the sensitive inner thighs.

"God, you're gorgeous," he murmured reverently, and Cas sighed softly, wishing he would just hurry up.

Suddenly, the car rocked with the force of something large being pinned against it. Cas panicked and Graced his clothes back into place while his hand scrabbled at the door handle, trying to get out, OUT, of the damned vehicle. Dean jumped and let loose a litany of curses that, in any other situation, would have made Cas blush with shame.

"SAM WINCHESTER, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU- Oh. Oh GOD. Oh my GOD, GABRIEL GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY BROTHER!" Dean yelled in horror, shoving the ex-Trickster off the Sasquatch, who whimpered softly at the loss of contact, giving the elder Winchester the infamous bitchface number twenty two.

Gabriel recoiled. "Hey, Dean-o, I was just showing your bro how much I love him!"

"Oh, don't give me that crap!" Dean shouted.

"Give you what? My undying love for the Moose?"

"No, you know what? Screw you," Dean growled as he slammed Gabriel up against a tree, pulling out a stake.

"I think your brother's doing a good enough job already," Gabriel replied with a dark chuckle as Dean groaned and Sam blushed a rather pretty red. "Careful, Sammy, you're matching your shirt."

Dean pushed him on to the grass roughly, disgusted.

"DEAN!" Sam shouted, running over to Gabe, appalled at his brother's behavior.

Dean snarled as he whipped back to Cas, dragging him towards the hotel room.

"If you will excuse us, we have unfinished business," Dean snapped, taking out the room key and stomping off.

Gabe turned to Sam, smirking. "Your bro wasn't in a good mood, now was he?" he asked, fitting his hands onto the gorgeous hipbones.

"I think he was just shocked to see me kissing an 'enemy', ya know?" Sam replied, one hand on the Trickster's neck.

"An enemy?" Gabe smirked, amused. "I'm flattered, Sammy."

Sam smiled. "I use the term loosely," he murmured, leaning down to steal a kiss.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean stormed out of the house and down the creaky wooden steps, his boots crunching through the gravel with a satisfying sound. He dug around in his pocket, yanking out the keys to his baby. He was seething. He couldn't believe-

"Dean!"

Dammit. He turned to face Cas, the Impala's door already open.

"What do you want, Cas?" he asked gruffly, ready to swing into the Impala, impatient to leave.

Cas trained those piercing blue eyes on him. "Wait. Don't go."

Dean scoffed and slammed the door, incredulous. "You expect me to wait after what you just said?!"

Cas looked hurt. "All I said was I liked you as more than a friend, Dean."

"I'm not gay!" Dean said in complete denial, a fiery look in his eyes.

"I never said you were." Cas replied so softly it was almost a whisper.

And with that there was a slam of the Impalas door, with the soft rattle of the heater turning on.

Carry On my Wayward son, There'll be peace when you are done, Lay your weary head to rest, Don't you cry no more.

Two Years earlier

Dean was tied to the cold, blood-damp rack again. He heard those dreaded footsteps that he could recognize at any time of day or night. The steady thu-thump, thu-thump.

Alastair touched the back of Dean's neck, making shivers run down his bare back, whispering into his ear. "Dean, my favorite beast, tell me how much you love me," he cooed.

"Alastair, p-please just go," Dean begged, arching away from the cold breath, the icy touch.

"Oh baby I ain't leavin you till you give me what I want,"Alastair hissed, making Dean cringe, a half-sob torn from his throat, remembering thirty years of torture that came before this with no end in sight.

"And what would that be?" Dean asked trying to be strong for his Moose.

"Honey you know exactly what I want." Alastair said cackling.

"No. No. No." Deans voice got progressively louder until he was screaming, his raw voice echoing around Hell.

Alastair thrusted his cold body against Deans warm one. He groaned loudly, his erection getting harder as he thrust into Dean. Dean started sobbing. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Him and Sam were supposed to be fighting Wendigos, and Women in White, and-. He was cut off by Alastair, grunting and thrusting harder and harder, until he came inside Dean.

Alastair stood up, patted Deans cheek, and said "Same time tomorrow," then left.

Walk out the door, just turn around now cuz you're not welcome anymore

Present day

Dean jolted awake in the back of the Impala, in a cold sweat and trembling.

"Cas?" he called out in the darkness. "I know you can hear me."

Cas appeared at his side. "What do you want, Dean?" he asked quietly, in an exasperated tone. "Nothing," Dean muttered. "Just wanted to make sure you had your ears on."

"You only call out like that when you either need to ask me something, or need me to do something," Cas said skeptically, staring at Dean with his sapphire eyes, making the much younger man squirm uncomfortably. "So I will ask again. What do you want, Dean?"

Dean sighed, swiping a hand over his face, hiding his eyes behind the heels of his palms. "I need to know," he groaned. "Why am I the one you fell for? Why a broken monster like me?"

"Because you became what you are for Sam, Lisa, and so many other people. You broke yourself for family, and I haven't seen a human do that in all my time as an angel." He touched Dean's shoulder gently, his hand fitting just so where he had burned him with his Grace, fit like they were made for each other.

Dean turned to Cas, his hand brushing up against Cas's chin, his thumb gently rubbing the stubble that grew there. Slowly, awkwardly he leaned in, their lips less than an inch away from touching. "I wanted you to know that I'm proud of you," Dean whispered, and to Cas, it felt a little like a prayer of praise, touching him far deeper than any other words could have. This was how Dean expressed his love. Cas sighed, relieved, his eyes filling with tears. He leaned forward, sliding the hand on Dean's shoulder up to his neck, pulling him into a kiss. Dean pulled away, his face shifting from looking like a deer caught in headlights to relaxation. He shoved Cas on to the seat putting his hands around Cas and kissing him passionately. Cas whimpered, grinding his hips, begging for something more than what he was being given. Dean pulled away, pressing the angel down on the seat, smirking. He shook his head in a silent no and went back to kissing Cas. He teased his tongue around Cas' mouth, reducing him to a squirming mess. Cas moaned, getting hard from the magical being over him.

"Dean, please," Cas whimpered. "I… I need-"

Dean smiled over him, reaching his hand down to Cas' bulging erection, rubbing gently. Cas jerked again, pressing his face into Dean's neck, hiding the flush that was spreading across his cheeks. He felt so human now, reduced to slowly bucking his hips, pressing closer to Dean, his hands fisted in the man's plaid overshirt. Dean chuckled, pushing him away, pinning him to the seat a second time.

"Stop that. I want to see you." Cas almost sobbed in frustration, but Dean stopped him with a soft kiss. "Do you trust me?"

Cas nodded. "Yes, Dean, but you don't understand. I need-"

"Shh…" Dean shushed him, letting his lips drift over the angel's, not kissing him, just letting them be. "Let me take care of you." Dean whispered, his hips rubbing up against his lovers, making Cas moan.

Cas drew his hands up quickly to Deans pants, unzipping them quickly, tiring of the human's game, the teasing touches that made him feel as though ants were crawling under his skin, maddening. Dean chuckled softly.

"Aren't you impatient," he whispered, making Cas shudder. "Calm down, angel. Let me take care of you." Cas whimpered softly, backing up so his upper back was braced against the door, watching Dean carefully. The hunter nudged his knees open, and Cas gasped, holding his breath in anticipation. Dean rucked his shirt up to his armpits, not bothering to actually take it off. He breathed warm air over Cas's abdomen, making him writhe underneath him, a harsh gasp escaping his throat.

"Dean," he whined needily, huffing impatiently, a harsh breath expelled through his nose.

Dean grinned up at him, starting to tease the pants down over his hips, making Cas pant softly. Dean smirked up at him, teasing the sensitive inner thighs.

"God, you're gorgeous," he murmured reverently, and Cas sighed softly, wishing he would just hurry up.

Suddenly, the car rocked with the force of something large being pinned against it. Cas panicked and Graced his clothes back into place while his hand scrabbled at the door handle, trying to get out, OUT, of the damned vehicle. Dean jumped and let loose a litany of curses that, in any other situation, would have made Cas blush with shame.

"SAM WINCHESTER, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU- Oh. Oh GOD. Oh my GOD, GABRIEL GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY BROTHER!" Dean yelled in horror, shoving the ex-Trickster off the Sasquatch, who whimpered softly at the loss of contact, giving the elder Winchester the infamous bitchface number twenty two.

Gabriel recoiled. "Hey, Dean-o, I was just showing your bro how much I love him!"

"Oh, don't give me that crap!" Dean shouted.

"Give you what? My undying love for the Moose?"

"No, you know what? Screw you," Dean growled as he slammed Gabriel up against a tree, pulling out a stake.

"I think your brother's doing a good enough job already," Gabriel replied with a dark chuckle as Dean groaned and Sam blushed a rather pretty red. "Careful, Sammy, you're matching your shirt."

Dean pushed him on to the grass roughly, disgusted.

"DEAN!" Sam shouted, running over to Gabe, appalled at his brother's behavior.

Dean snarled as he whipped back to Cas, dragging him towards the hotel room.

"If you will excuse us, we have unfinished business," Dean snapped, taking out the room key and stomping off.

Gabe turned to Sam, smirking. "Your bro wasn't in a good mood, now was he?" he asked, fitting his hands onto the gorgeous hipbones.

"I think he was just shocked to see me kissing an 'enemy', ya know?" Sam replied, one hand on the Trickster's neck.

"An enemy?" Gabe smirked, amused. "I'm flattered, Sammy."

Sam smiled. "I use the term loosely," he murmured, leaning down to steal a kiss.

CHAPTER THREE

"Dean, really, if you don't just spit it out, I will be forced to return to my date with Lu," Balthazar huffed into the phone.

"C'mon, Bal, I just need your advice!" Dean groaned.

"And if you don't tell me what the problem is, I can't help you."

"Can't you just… You know… Spit out random advice and I'll weed out what helps and what doesn't?"

Balthazar snorted. "Sure. Use toys, condoms, two fingers, and lube."

"BALTHAZAR!"

"What?! That's advice!" Balthazar said defensively, glancing back inside to where Lucifer was sitting at their table, pondering the wine.

"Dude. Not cool," Dean said, the frown evident in his voice.

"You know what isn't cool? You keeping me away from that hot piece of ass inside that diner while you're whining about your own boyfriend troubles. Honestly, Dean, next time I'm on a date, I'm turning my phone off and making sure I'm busy tapping that for the entire weekend."

"...Woulda been smart to turn off your phone in the first place, you cold-hearted bastard." Dean growled.

"Excuse me, but I think you have me confused with one of two angels… Either the one in the dirty trench coat who's in love with you or his brother, the trickster. Either way, they have one thing going for them I don't. Do you know what that is, Dean Winchester?"

"Love? Because this guy will probably be another one of those one night stands. Like the one before him. By the way how is Uriel?"

"No, Dean," Balthazar practically spat. "The DIFFERENCE is they care. I don't. Not when there's a guy who I've been dating for three weeks now sitting inside looking lonely and watching the wine bottle because I'm not there. Now, if you don't tell me within three seconds what you want, I'm closing this phone and going inside."

"IwanttotellCasIlovehimbutIdon'tknowhow," Dean formed all his words into one.

Balthazar waited for a few seconds. "Is that all? Seriously? Dean, you disappoint me." He sighed heavily. "Alright. Listen. Walk up to him, kiss him, act all sweet to him, and say… Repeat after me… Castiel."

"Castiel."

"I."

"I."

"Love."

"Love."

"You. See? Not very hard. Quite easy, in fact. Can I go now?" Balthazar whined, petulant.

"Yeah, yeah, go take your date's virginity."

Balthazar laughed, a dark chuckle. "Ohhhh, trust me, Dean. He is most certainly not a-"

"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW," Dean said quickly. "Now scoot."

Balthazar chuckled darkly again, hanging up the phone and heading back into the diner, seating himself in front of Lucifer. The young man raised one delicate eyebrow.

"What was that about?" he asked.

"Nothing, you nosy devil. Just a friend of mine," Balthazar smirked, leaning forward to kiss him softly before pouring some more wine for each of them.

Lucifer frowned. "Sad face, I really want to know..." he said, his eyes looking like a beagle's.

Balthazar smiled at him. "Order your food, my darling. Then we'll go home and make enough noise, I'll get complaints from my neighbors."

Lucifer smirked. "Is that a promise, garcon?"

Balthazar slammed the door to the apartment before he pressed the younger, slightly taller man against it, gripping his jacket's lapels, bringing their lips together in a crushing kiss. Lucifer rumbled softly, one hand pressing against the angel's lower back, smirking into the kiss. Balthazar tightened his grip on the devil's jacket, loathe to let him go.

"Do you have any condoms?" Lucifer hissed.

"Of course," Balthazar said, having the decency to sound offended. "Please, darling, it's been three weeks, and it's like you don't know me at all."

Lucifer chuckled softly, leaning back into Balthazar before the angel's phone began to blast, "Carry on my wayward son!"

"C'est quoi ce bordel, Dean?!" Balthazar cursed, digging into his pocket. "Yes? What?! What could possibly be important at this moment in time?!" he barked. "I am about to have amazing sex, so talk fast."

Lucifer smirked, taking Balthazar's phone away from him. "Oui, Dean, make it fast, 'cause I'm about to fuck your friend into tomorrow. No pun intended."

"Hi... Um... Is that Lucifer?"

"It is now," he said smoothly. "And you're not telling me what you want from my gorgeous boyfriend, and quite frankly, he's much more interesting than you are right now. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to turn this phone off and throw it in a garbage bin three counties away unless you tell me right now what you want."

"I can't find Cas. I walked out of the hotel room to call you, and I walked into the room and he was gone."

"I think you mean to call Bal. But whatever. I suggest you call *him* up rather than *us*," Lucifer said, a little testy. "Now, I'm going to go drill Balthazar into the mattress. I wish you luck. If you require further assistance, I suggest you call Michael or Gabriel. In a pinch, I'm sure Raphael will help. For a price. Have fun. I know we will be." He hung the phone up and tossed it vaguely in the direction of the kitchen before towing Balthazar into the bedroom.

"Now, where were we?" Lu asked innocently.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean jolted awake to the sound of the old motel door opening.

"Cas?"

"I'm here, Dean," the familiar gravel voice rumbled from the doorway.

"Where the hell were you?" Dean asked, his voice harsher than he meant, shoving the covers aside and moving over to grab the angel by his lapels. "I was worried about you, Cas! You're just a baby in a trench coat!" He felt his lower lip start to tremble and he yanked Cas closer, hugging him tight. "Jesus, Cas…"

"Don't blaspheme, Dean," the angel chided, gently rubbing the hunter's back. "I'm fine. I just… I needed to step out for a moment. I was feeling overwhelmed."

"Why?" Dean asked, carding his fingers through the dark curls.

"I… I never expected you to reciprocate my feelings. It was…. It's a shock to discover it now."

"Cas... I-i.. GOD! Why is this so hard to say?" Dean was on the verge of tears. Cas kissed his cheek, moving him to the bed.

"Why is what so hard to say, Dean?" he asked, looking deep into the other man's eyes.

"I. Love... You?" Dean replied, a single tear running down his face.

"Was that a statement or a question?" Cas was staring at him, his head cocked so he looked a little like a bird.

"GOD, Cas, I love you, I love you and when you smile my heart melts into a pile of goo."

"Stop your blaspheme," Cas warned gently. "That sentence could have been perfectly romantic. It seems it rather got away from you."

"Cas, I'm not lying. I may lie for a profession, but I LOVE YOU," Dean said holding on to Cas' lower thighs.

Cas gripped Dean's hands, setting them back in his own lap. "I never accused you of lying, Dean Winchester. Merely of not being a romantic." His eyes danced with a special, teasing light.

Dean took this opportune moment to push Cas onto the bed, swooping in for a kiss.

Cas laughed softly, gently pushing him away. "Dean, really. I don't think this is the best mood for…" Dean leaned close again. "Dean Winchester! I swear to my Father, if you don't cease this, I will be forced to leave again!" He tried to sound intimidating, but he was laughing too much for his threat to carry much weight.

"Fine," Dean huffed out, standing up and walking over to the sink. "SHIT! Where's Sam? He should be back here by now."

Cas smiled at him, shaking out his wings a little before folding them against his back. "He's fine, Dean. You trained your brother well. He can take care of himself."

"I know, but-"

"But, nothing. Can't you trust me, Dean? For once, just trust that I know what I'm talking about?"

Dean nodded "It's just that I'm his-" The door slammed open, showing a very drunk Sam slobbering all over a very happy Gabe. "FOR FUCKS SAKE COULD YOU TWO PLEASE"

"Get a room? I believe they thought this one was unoccupied," Cas said, very, very amused.


	5. Not a chapter

Hey kiddos! So i won't be posting a chapter till January cause the holiday season is overwhelming me... Peace love and Destiel. Buenas noches Bitches!


	6. Chapter 5

**DEAN (35)**

**CAS (34)**

**JOANNA ELLEN (5)**

**MARY BETH (NOT FUCKING BORN YET)**

**KEVIN ROBERT (3)**

**GABRIEL NERO (17)**

**CASEY TRIX (16) (Gabe calls her Twix after his favorite candy) (She's short, so Dean calls her the Twix Pixie)**

**15 Years Later**

"Joanna Ellen! Will you stop jumping on the couch?!" Dean scolded.

"Dean, she's five years old, let her jump," Cas tsked, laying Kevin Robert down for a nap. Giggles came from the front room.

"Is that my Twix Pixie?" Dean shouted.

"Oh my Chuck! Da! Stop it!" Gabe huffed, kicking off his converse.

"Caaaaasssseeeeeyyyy!" Joanna shrieked as she ran across the room.

"Joanna!" Casey smiled.

"Hello, Casey," Castiel said with a courteous nod, heading into the kitchen. "Would you like anything to drink? We have several beverage choices."

"Do you have any water, sir?"

"Of course!" Cas ducked back into the kitchen.

"Hey Twix!" Dean winked.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to steal me," Casey kissed his cheek.

"Me? From my even handsomer son? Never. 'Sides, I got my own sugar." Dean winked at her before leaning over the back of the couch to yell towards the kitchen, "CAS! Make me a sammich!"

"Dean Matthew Winchester, you make your own damn sammich."

"You two are so weird.." Gabe looked disgusted "Imma take mah woman upstairs."

"Don't EVER call me your 'woman' again you hear?" Casey slapped his head.

"Aah! Young love! Ya remember when we were like that?"

"Dean. We kinda skipped that and went straight into sex..."

"Whatever. Its still cute."


End file.
